I Understand You, Tony Romo

You may have heard that Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, broke up with popstar girlfriend Jessica Simpson a few days ago. You may have also heard that he did so on the night before her birthday. Jerk? Asshole? No no no. Just a guy who came to his wit’s end. Good on him, even if the timing wasn’t perfcet. It’s exactly the same situation I was in a few years back so I can relate. I was dating this blonde inflatable doll (Lydia) and life was perfect. She was everything I ever wanted. Slutty, ragdoll, full of plastic, you name it. But after the honeymoon stage, I needed something more. I needed someone to stimulate my mind. Someone who can answer 2+2 or a doorbell without confused silence, someone who can get her ass off the couch from time to time without looking like a deflated gangbang leftover. But unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be and I too dumped Lydia on the night before her birthday. So don’t feel bad about poor timing, Tony Romo. Jessica will probably end up dating another athlete to get back at you, just like Lydia dated Roberto Alomar. And boy did that ever backfire.

The Brock Lesnar Aftermath

Last night’s UFC heavyweight championship fight between Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar was an entertaining, albeit a predictable one. As expected the beast Lesnar didn’t take long to pummel his pinata, pardon, opponent. Mir’s face looked like a Nicholas Cage movie. Terrible. But it was after the match that Lesnar truly went off. He trash-talked Mir to no end. He flipped the finger to the ensuing boos of the crowd. And he ridiculed the major sponsor.  But the best part was when Lesnar was asked how he was planning to celebrate. He said in the end, “… I may get on top of my wife.” Judging by the steroid rage he was on, I think what he meant  is he ‘may’ get on top of his wife (former WWE diva Sable) and unload a few hundred fist-fucks on her head. Or a choke hold. Or a plasma television. Ah, I’m just kidding. I’m sure Brock’s a gentle soul and that any injury  his wife obtains in the future is a result of her accidentally falling down the stairs.

Michael Jackson’s Death

It’s been a while, Smackamaniacs. My apologies. Now, let’s get onto what’s been happening of late. So, Michael Jackson is dead. Wow. I first heard the news a few weeks back while at the local pub. I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly or if the mixture of Caesars and Coronas and vodka sodas were lying to me. But when the internet told me the truth, I was truly saddened. It felt like a piece of my 80’s childhood was lost. Like when Megatron finally defeated and killed Optimus Prime and inevitably led the way to the second generation of cartoon Transformers – which sucked the balls.

Another Celebrity Divorce Shocks My World

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing and no one is more stunned than me! I really thought this union was going to last forever like all the other celebrity marriages. Such a shame. Madonna looked so happy in those photos taken with Yankees shortstop Alex Rodriguez that it never crossed my mind she wanted to break out of wedlock. Such a travesty. I was really positive that with Guy Ritchie, Madonna had zero interest in adding another notch on her 17,886 belt.

Lumberjack Jackets Are In

I walked two blocks this morning and counted four morons wearing lumberjack jackets and none of you were homeless. When did lumberjack jackets become cool to wear? Did I miss a fad? Were you walking in the woods one day where you spotted a lumberjack and thought, ‘wow that’s the bad-ass baddest axe-wielding lumberjack man I’ve ever seen cutting down a tree I wish I had a jacket like his so that I look like I’ve banged more squirrels than Bigfoot!” Because that’s the only reason I can think why you’d wear it.
But hey, maybe it’s just me. So here are a few outfit suggestions that I think will go well with your checkered jacket: Dress pants, construction boots, sports watch, Vote for Pedro t-shirt, an empty styrofoam cup and a safety helmet with a cool flashlight on it.

10 Things the NHL Should Do to Suck Less

The 2008-2009 National Hockey League season is about to begin and let’s face it, hockey is boooooring. Maybe it’s because Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the league, has butchered it completely. But, even though it sucks ass now, the sport is worth saving. Here are 10 things that will help it…

10. Presentation is everything.
So lose the fucking ads on the ice! Do you want me to watch the game or the fucking corporate logos? I already have a hard time following the puck. Please remove, unless you appreciate the comparisons to arena football.

9. Cut loose the boring franchises.
I’m talking about Nashville, Atlanta, Columbus, Anaheim, Tampa Bay (there’s more I just can’t remember them, go figure). This will also help rid the league of about 125 shitty players that should be working at the grocery store instead of raking in seven figures.

8. Bring back the rats in Florida.
The one thing that made fans love hockey in Florida was throwing rats on the ice. It also made other fans want to watch their games. Smart move on taking this away.

7. Re-kindle the rivalries.
Why be like every other league and have Eastern and Western Conferences and blah blah. Bring back the divisions of old (Norris, Smythe, etc) and have each division duke it out in the playoffs. It’ll make for more heated games during the regular season.

6. Lose the goons.
In the good ol’ days, if someone hit your best player, your best player would kick his ass because your best player was also a goon. Now, when your best player gets hit, the two goons who had nothing to do with anything all of a sudden get ice-time and fight. This is gay.

5. Make goalie equipment smaller.
An orangutang can be a goalie these days. There’s no amazing saves anymore. It’s either the puck hits the goalie, or it doesn’t. This too, is gay.

4. Four on Four?
I’m a traditionalist, but 5-on-5 hockey is the equivalent of watching golf on the radio. Let’s consider the switch.

3. Stop re-designing the fucking uniforms every year!
I can’t even tell if I’m watching the Buffalo Sabres or Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoats. Put a fucking stop to this and stick with tradition. I don’t mind slight alterations, but the uniforms should not remind me of old acid trips. And for the love of Jesus, get rid of the god damn bear-head on the Bruins uniforms. Whoever designed it should be shot. By a bear.

2. Sushi?
Inside the arenas, you serve beer and hot dogs and pizza and burgers. When you serve sushi, you no longer cater to fans but instead cater to clients. And your ‘clients’ are big pussy-douches who should be eating at a Japanese restaurant instead of watching live hockey. Maybe put undercover goon-fans in the stands and every time someone wears a suit to a game, these fans kick the piss out of them.

1. Bench-clearing brawls, bring them back.
Every team should get one ‘by’ for a bench-clearing brawl. You don’t get fined unless you have two in the same season. I would watch every game.

David Blaine Makes Career Disappear

David Blaine is up to his old tricks again and I’m not talking about the cool ones. This time, he’s dangling upside down over New York’s Central Park for 60 hours. That’s quite an amazing feat if you’re someone who gives a shit about stupid feats. I don’t care to watch this for half a minute unless people were allowed to catapult semi-conscious pigeons at his face. STUNTS. ARE. FUCKING. BORING! I don’t understand why he can’t go back to his roots and do something like swallow a nickel then pull an Xbox from his ass. Where’s the cool shit?!? If hanging upside down is anything like his old stunts, where he stood on a pole for days or encased himself in ice, he’ll predictably come down in 60 hours and be weak and frail and an ambulance will whisk him away and wah wah wah until he shows up for his next death-defying stunt a year or two down the road. But who knows, maybe the next one will be awesome and he’ll blow our minds by eating 50,000 mangos in 4 days straight while standing on a pregnant woman without blinking. Coooool. On an unrelated note, does anyone have wire clippers I can borrow?

Shia Labeouf is the new Ben Affleck

Judging by the recent string of blockbuster movies; Transformers, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of it’s too long to remember, Eagle Eye, the upcoming Transformers 2, the possibility of continuing the Indiana Jones saga, and blah blah blah, it looks like Shia Lebeouf is the only twenty-something actor left auditioning for roles in America and it’s getting to be overkill (Ben Affleck, anyone?). Please, whoever handles casting, find a fucking giraffe if you have to!! At this rate, if you told me he’s the back-up quarterback for the New England Patriots or that he’s at my parents house now playing the role of my Dad, I really wouldn’t be that surprised.

Britney Spears Names Upcoming Album

And it’s not called ‘Hit Me With Some of that Crack One More Time’ like I originally anticipated. After a tumultuous ride to the murky bottoms of earth (insert Paris Hilton’s address here), Britney’s hoping to get her career back on track with her brand new album called Circus. I thought this was an interesting choice for a name, this Circus. At first I thought it was referencing the media frenzy that followed her every mis-step but I quickly realized it’s based on the clowns in her head that spend their days juggling orphans and getting high on cotton candy.

Serena Williams to Serve Up Awesome Book

A memoir by one of tennis’ better players Serena Williams will be hitting bookstands in 2009. And judging by the way every celebrity athlete’s, musician’s and actor’s success story goes (or at least the ones interesting enough to get published), the premise of the Serena bio will sound a lot like the following… Serena Williams grew up in a large family in the ghettos of some ghetto city in America. While all the other school kids were doing drugs and making babies and listening to 2 Live Crew, Serena found solace in the game of tennis. But a black girl playing a white girl’s game didn’t come without its share of adversity. Serena battled through the mean inner-city streets and overcame some form of racism at the tennis club to become what she is today… Ten billion times more attractive than her sister Venus… If I’m way off, I will buy a copy and pretend to read it.