Archive for August, 2008

I’m not impressed with Michael Phelps!!

August 29, 2008


Everyone’s raving about Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps because he won a record 8 gold medals at the Beijing games. I already see him in commercials, talk shows, cereal boxes, having tea with my mom, it’s getting stupid. He does NOT deserve these accolades! How can you say such a thing?? Easy. That’s what you get when you make 8 events of the same thing!! OF COURSE HE’S GOING TO WIN THEM ALL!! Just like Jamaica’s Usain Bolt crushed the 100 and 200 meter sprints! Jesus, I’d be more impressed if Phelps won the 8 gold medals in swimming, then took a gold in badminton, then broke the world record in high-jump, ran the 4×100 relay race by himself, single-handedly defeated the US basketball team 101-57, beat the Kenyans in the marathon, lit all the closing ceremony fireworks, learned how to speak Mandarin, and called it a day. Then I’d put him on a pedestal. But he didn’t.

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The Winning Facebook Status of Thursday!!

August 29, 2008

Jason is… doing something.”
Wow. Thanks Jason for the wonderful glimpse into your ridiculously happening social life. Seriously. I’m glad you felt the need to share this. But I’m curious… were you sitting in front of your computer thinking, ‘fuck, I need to tell people that I’m doing something before they think I’m doing nothing!’ If you’re downloading unicorn wallpapers, Jason, just say you’re downloading fucking unicorn wallpapers. Or say nothing at all, because nobody gives a thick shit that you’re just ‘doing something.’ Unless you’re drowning, then I would enjoy reading that.
RECOMMENDED STATUS CHANGE: “Jason is… death by boredom.”

Our Boy Diddy’s Plane Never Crashed, Sadly

August 27, 2008

Watch this video first, and upon your return, it’s a sure bet you’ll cheer for Al-Qaeda to arrive at an airplane near Diddy. In the clip we get a full two-minute dose of Tupac’s killer complaining about gas prices and how even HE has to lower himself to flying economy. What an uneducated douche! I hope that gas prices do go down so he can go back to flying his private jet and karma willing, he crashes it into my roundhouse kick to his face.

Where the F–k is my F–king Hoverboard??

August 27, 2008

It’s been almost two decades since Back to the Future 2 came out and showed me a glimpse of an awesome future with a Mattel Hoverboard floating around 2015. It’s almost 2009 now and there isn’t even a fucking prototype. Somebody at Mattel or Engineering school better be working on this or I will lose my shit. You have slightly over six years to go before I beat you with an autographed Tony Hawk PS1 video game in front of your co-workers.