Archive for September, 2008

10 Things the NHL Should Do to Suck Less

September 23, 2008


The 2008-2009 National Hockey League season is about to begin and let’s face it, hockey is boooooring. Maybe it’s because Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the league, has butchered it completely. But, even though it sucks ass now, the sport is worth saving. Here are 10 things that will help it…

10. Presentation is everything.
So lose the fucking ads on the ice! Do you want me to watch the game or the fucking corporate logos? I already have a hard time following the puck. Please remove, unless you appreciate the comparisons to arena football.

9. Cut loose the boring franchises.
I’m talking about Nashville, Atlanta, Columbus, Anaheim, Tampa Bay (there’s more I just can’t remember them, go figure). This will also help rid the league of about 125 shitty players that should be working at the grocery store instead of raking in seven figures.

8. Bring back the rats in Florida.
The one thing that made fans love hockey in Florida was throwing rats on the ice. It also made other fans want to watch their games. Smart move on taking this away.

7. Re-kindle the rivalries.
Why be like every other league and have Eastern and Western Conferences and blah blah. Bring back the divisions of old (Norris, Smythe, etc) and have each division duke it out in the playoffs. It’ll make for more heated games during the regular season.

6. Lose the goons.
In the good ol’ days, if someone hit your best player, your best player would kick his ass because your best player was also a goon. Now, when your best player gets hit, the two goons who had nothing to do with anything all of a sudden get ice-time and fight. This is gay.

5. Make goalie equipment smaller.
An orangutang can be a goalie these days. There’s no amazing saves anymore. It’s either the puck hits the goalie, or it doesn’t. This too, is gay.

4. Four on Four?
I’m a traditionalist, but 5-on-5 hockey is the equivalent of watching golf on the radio. Let’s consider the switch.

3. Stop re-designing the fucking uniforms every year!
I can’t even tell if I’m watching the Buffalo Sabres or Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoats. Put a fucking stop to this and stick with tradition. I don’t mind slight alterations, but the uniforms should not remind me of old acid trips. And for the love of Jesus, get rid of the god damn bear-head on the Bruins uniforms. Whoever designed it should be shot. By a bear.

2. Sushi?
Inside the arenas, you serve beer and hot dogs and pizza and burgers. When you serve sushi, you no longer cater to fans but instead cater to clients. And your ‘clients’ are big pussy-douches who should be eating at a Japanese restaurant instead of watching live hockey. Maybe put undercover goon-fans in the stands and every time someone wears a suit to a game, these fans kick the piss out of them.

1. Bench-clearing brawls, bring them back.
Every team should get one ‘by’ for a bench-clearing brawl. You don’t get fined unless you have two in the same season. I would watch every game.

David Blaine Makes Career Disappear

September 22, 2008


David Blaine is up to his old tricks again and I’m not talking about the cool ones. This time, he’s dangling upside down over New York’s Central Park for 60 hours. That’s quite an amazing feat if you’re someone who gives a shit about stupid feats. I don’t care to watch this for half a minute unless people were allowed to catapult semi-conscious pigeons at his face. STUNTS. ARE. FUCKING. BORING! I don’t understand why he can’t go back to his roots and do something like swallow a nickel then pull an Xbox from his ass. Where’s the cool shit?!? If hanging upside down is anything like his old stunts, where he stood on a pole for days or encased himself in ice, he’ll predictably come down in 60 hours and be weak and frail and an ambulance will whisk him away and wah wah wah until he shows up for his next death-defying stunt a year or two down the road. But who knows, maybe the next one will be awesome and he’ll blow our minds by eating 50,000 mangos in 4 days straight while standing on a pregnant woman without blinking. Coooool. On an unrelated note, does anyone have wire clippers I can borrow?

Shia Labeouf is the new Ben Affleck

September 21, 2008


Judging by the recent string of blockbuster movies; Transformers, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of it’s too long to remember, Eagle Eye, the upcoming Transformers 2, the possibility of continuing the Indiana Jones saga, and blah blah blah, it looks like Shia Lebeouf is the only twenty-something actor left auditioning for roles in America and it’s getting to be overkill (Ben Affleck, anyone?). Please, whoever handles casting, find a fucking giraffe if you have to!! At this rate, if you told me he’s the back-up quarterback for the New England Patriots or that he’s at my parents house now playing the role of my Dad, I really wouldn’t be that surprised.

Britney Spears Names Upcoming Album

September 18, 2008


And it’s not called ‘Hit Me With Some of that Crack One More Time’ like I originally anticipated. After a tumultuous ride to the murky bottoms of earth (insert Paris Hilton’s address here), Britney’s hoping to get her career back on track with her brand new album called Circus. I thought this was an interesting choice for a name, this Circus. At first I thought it was referencing the media frenzy that followed her every mis-step but I quickly realized it’s based on the clowns in her head that spend their days juggling orphans and getting high on cotton candy.

Serena Williams to Serve Up Awesome Book

September 16, 2008


A memoir by one of tennis’ better players Serena Williams will be hitting bookstands in 2009. And judging by the way every celebrity athlete’s, musician’s and actor’s success story goes (or at least the ones interesting enough to get published), the premise of the Serena bio will sound a lot like the following… Serena Williams grew up in a large family in the ghettos of some ghetto city in America. While all the other school kids were doing drugs and making babies and listening to 2 Live Crew, Serena found solace in the game of tennis. But a black girl playing a white girl’s game didn’t come without its share of adversity. Serena battled through the mean inner-city streets and overcame some form of racism at the tennis club to become what she is today… Ten billion times more attractive than her sister Venus… If I’m way off, I will buy a copy and pretend to read it.

Dear Deane Rimerman,

September 15, 2008

I don’t generally respond to comments, but I’ve made an exception. Thank you for writing the following comment in my earlier ‘Hippies Mourn the Death of Trees’ article…

Deane Wrote:
“Thanks for posting this… According to google you’re the only one who has posted this and you help those you oppose by doing so….

Obviously on an unconscious level you really do care…

Deep down inside you really are an Earth First!er. I appreciated that truth!

Long live the Trees!

Be well, Deane.”

First I’d like to say, you are very welcome, Deane.

I am so proud to help the people I oppose by ridiculing them for the stupid things they do. And it’s nice to know that someone sees the good I do for this world. Thank you for noticing, Deane.

But you must know that I don’t do this on an unconscious level. Quite the contrary, I am very conscious of my good deeds. I think it’s wonderful that the Earth First!ers take a pro-active approach of saving our trees by shedding tears to the Magical Forest Gods of Earthland. I wouldn’t have posted it otherwise.

I guess simply writing about Earth First! makes me an Earth First!er, just like writing on the Smack of the Day makes you Ronald Smackdonald’s biggest fan in the world that you love and worship and wish you could birth his babies. I can appreciate that truth!

Take care my #1 fan.

Ronald

p.s. Raul, the Forest God of Oak, says hello.

Noel Gallagher Impersonates Bowling Pin

September 14, 2008


I’m still dying of laughter from this clip. Oasis was headlining a Toronto concert and during their performance some guy rushed the stage and bowled Noel Gallagher over. But kids, even though I’m laughing at someone else’s misfortune, what happened here was very disgraceful. If you’re going to attack the most arrogant band on the planet for releasing shitty albums, you should at least have an escape plan. Like the one Batman had when he abducted Lau from Hong Kong.

Hippies Mourn the Death of Trees

September 13, 2008


The headline pretty much explains the full story. An extreme eco-conservation group named Earth First mourns trees somewhere in North Carolina. I believe what they’re doing is noble and courageous and it is a shame we mock these people who truly care about our planet and its longevity. It is why I sacrificed a pack of 11 x 17 printing paper through the shredder in their honour.

Batman’s Belt is Cool but Yours is Cooler

September 12, 2008


If you wear your cellphone on your belt, you are hands-down cool. Like a sheriff with a cool mustache. I love the confidence you exude when you walk the streets. Well, there isn’t much else to say. It’s not like I need to tell you how to score chicks, they probably blow your knob at the very sight of your belt buckle buddy. BUT, if you’re not scoring unlimited blowjobs like you should be, here are other fashionable belt items I recommend to go alongside your mobile that will make panties wet: Lightsaber, Sony walkman cassette player, Bat boomerang, Pez dispenser, pager, G.I.Joe walkie-talkie. and a flashlight.*

*Please note that if you wear all these items at the same time, women may want to rape your peen.

In Case You Forgot, Today is September 11

September 11, 2008

Apparently, we’re all morons. Or so every newscast in the nation believes. I mean, it’s a good thing they’re ramming us with detailed reminders of what happened exactly 7 years ago otherwise the only thing I’d remember is that baseball was temporarily cancelled because Mohammed was pissed at Jesus.