Archive for July, 2009

And the Winner of the Bachelorette is…

July 28, 2009

…Kiptyn. Yep, Kiptyn. Now I know what you’re thinking, ladies, “Jillian picked Ed, not Kiptyn, Ed is the winner!!” and you couldn’t be more wrong. Every man on this planet will tell you, Ed Swiderski LOST the Bachelorette. Do you know why he lost? Because he’s getting married!! And no guy in a healthy state of mind wants to win a chance to walk down the aisle!!!! If guys were so desperate, we’d have Scratch & Win-a-Wife lottery cards. But we don’t. So with that I say, congratulations Kiptyn, you’re the big winner of the Bachelorette.

p.s. Anyone know where I can buy Wes’ CD?


How Big is Shaq?

July 26, 2009

I found this picture of Shaquille O’Neal online and it made me realize that he is indeed a very large man. How big exactly? To put it in perspective, the panda bear he is cuddling is the size of a military submarine. And if you look really really really carefully, you can see Lebron James underneath his fingernail.

Jill and Kevin’s Wedding

July 25, 2009

Once in a while, I too will post something I like. I know… crazy. And it so happens to be, of all things, a wedding video. It came across my inbox and it kicks ass. It’s not a fake. It doesn’t have a commercial tie-in or any bullshit like that. It’s 100% awesome. I’m sure the Pope took a shit when he saw this but hey, that’s why he wears diapers. Enjoy.

LeBron James Tape Leaked

July 23, 2009

A few weeks ago, LeBron James was dunked on by nobody Jordan Crawford. No big deal, right? Wrong. Nike representatives, who were present in the gym, decided it was in their best interest to confiscate the tapes so that nobody would ‘witness’ the King getting crowned. It turned into a fiasco until sure enough, the footage has surfaced on the webs. I think that everyone should know that Nike and their representatives are ruthless scumbags. A few months ago they confiscated a tape of me ruthlessly dunking a Nerf basketball over my neighbor’s six-year-old because he was wearing a LeBron James Cavaliers jersey. Those tapes are probably long gone by now, unfortunately, like that poor little boy’s dignity.

I Understand You, Tony Romo

July 15, 2009

You may have heard that Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, broke up with popstar girlfriend Jessica Simpson a few days ago. You may have also heard that he did so on the night before her birthday. Jerk? Asshole? No no no. Just a guy who came to his wit’s end. Good on him, even if the timing wasn’t perfcet. It’s exactly the same situation I was in a few years back so I can relate. I was dating this blonde inflatable doll (Lydia) and life was perfect. She was everything I ever wanted. Slutty, ragdoll, full of plastic, you name it. But after the honeymoon stage, I needed something more. I needed someone to stimulate my mind. Someone who can answer 2+2 or a doorbell without confused silence, someone who can get her ass off the couch from time to time without looking like a deflated gangbang leftover. But unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be and I too dumped Lydia on the night before her birthday. So don’t feel bad about poor timing, Tony Romo. Jessica will probably end up dating another athlete to get back at you, just like Lydia dated Roberto Alomar. And boy did that ever backfire.

The Brock Lesnar Aftermath

July 12, 2009


Last night’s UFC heavyweight championship fight between Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar was an entertaining, albeit a predictable one. As expected the beast Lesnar didn’t take long to pummel his pinata, pardon, opponent. Mir’s face looked like a Nicholas Cage movie. Terrible. But it was after the match that Lesnar truly went off. He trash-talked Mir to no end. He flipped the finger to the ensuing boos of the crowd. And he ridiculed the major sponsor.  But the best part was when Lesnar was asked how he was planning to celebrate. He said in the end, “… I may get on top of my wife.” Judging by the steroid rage he was on, I think what he meant  is he ‘may’ get on top of his wife (former WWE diva Sable) and unload a few hundred fist-fucks on her head. Or a choke hold. Or a plasma television. Ah, I’m just kidding. I’m sure Brock’s a gentle soul and that any injury  his wife obtains in the future is a result of her accidentally falling down the stairs.

Michael Jackson’s Death

July 11, 2009

It’s been a while, Smackamaniacs. My apologies. Now, let’s get onto what’s been happening of late. So, Michael Jackson is dead. Wow. I first heard the news a few weeks back while at the local pub. I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly or if the mixture of Caesars and Coronas and vodka sodas were lying to me. But when the internet told me the truth, I was truly saddened. It felt like a piece of my 80’s childhood was lost. Like when Megatron finally defeated and killed Optimus Prime and inevitably led the way to the second generation of cartoon Transformers – which sucked the balls.