Archive for August, 2009

DJ AM Found Dead in Apartment

August 29, 2009

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Yet another celebrity has passed. Musician DJ AM, whose real name is Adam Goldstein, was found dead in his New York apartment earlier today. Reports state that prescription pills were found next to him – eerily similar to Heath Ledger. You may remember that only one year ago, Adam Goldstein was one of two fortunate survivors on a private plane that crashed after takeoff and killed two pilots and two passengers. The other survivor was Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker. I guess when you escape Death once, he makes it a point to not repeat the same mistake. Which makes me believe that, after the terribly tragic year celebrities are having, I’d refrain from selling any of your autographed Travis Barker collectibles.

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I Hate You, Pigeon

August 27, 2009

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I’m walking down the street during my lunch break, minding my own business, when CRUNCH! I get shit on the head by you, you little fucking pigeon (or as I like to call you, the homeless people of the bird world). You picked the wrong day, my friend. Now don’t get me wrong, if I was a fat pigeon that hated God for making me a pigeon, I’d probably await the perfect moment to shit yesterday’s french fries and cigarette butts on unsuspecting passersby too, and I would hoot and laugh with my unemployed pigeon friends… but here’s where I get the last laugh. I’m going into a Korean restaurant tomorrow and hmmm, wonder what I will order for lunch?

G.I. Joe Movie Review

August 19, 2009

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I haven’t seen the movie but giving it a fair critique will not be difficult. Here we go… This movie is s-h-i-t. Like a pile of dog shit that an elephant shit on top of. The premise is probably no different than the cartoon of the 80’s. A special American force named G.I. Joe sets out to stop the evil forces of Cobra who are bent on taking over the world. Cobra will come close to world domination but amidst the barrage of explosions, missile attacks, machine guns, Matrix-stolen karate-kick effects and zero plot, G.I. Joe will save the day even though Cobra Commander and Destro will unfortunately survive in order to produce an even shittier sequel (Transformers 2, anyone?). Unless, you know, the entire cast is flying in a plane over the Atlantic and it somehow, mysteriously, goes down. Which would be terrible. Awful. Just, just awful. Tragic.

Kim Kardashian’s Sister Pregnant

August 16, 2009

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Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. The sister of everybody’s fantasy, Kim Kardashian, has gotten knocked up but she won’t reveal who the father is. Which leaves us to play the guessing game… And I’m betting my money that the father of the child is the New England Patriots.

Hentai? Seriously?

August 9, 2009

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There are lots of effed up things in this world (Transformers 2, camels, Neverland, etc), and in my opinion, hentai is right up there on the list. If you don’t know what hentai is, you’re better off. But if your curiosity is getting the best of you, here goes, it’s none other than cartoon porn. Yes, cartoon characters (typically anime) having sex. With all the options the internet offers to get you off, you have issues if your first of a possible 173 choices is hentai. Seriously. The only excuse you have for watching this shit is if you’re Roger fucking Rabbit. OR Japanese.

Ovechkin is my Hockey Idol

August 5, 2009

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Sidney Crosby may have won the Stanley Cup, but Alexander Ovechkin has won the Coolest Guy in Hockey Cup. Why? Because the photo above came from a strip joint he attended with Markov, and the receipt below was the result. Look at Ovechkin (left) in the photo, he looks like a guy who’s living life to the fullest! Bless him.

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By the way, an Irish Coffee for $20.oo?? Are you f—ing kidding me?? For that price, those strippers better have three pairs of titties each, and stroke magical handjobs that can make me orgasm rainbows!

Rihanna Flirts with Doorman, and Doom

August 4, 2009

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It is reported that Rihanna, a singer whose sings stuff 14 year-olds love, was seen flirting with a doorman in the Hamptons. She even asked the bouncer and model for his number. Now here’s the good part… It is also reported that, while flirting with many men, she has rekindled her romance with ex Chris Brown. Did you guys just do the same math I did?? I think you did! Which is the perfect time to introduce my poll: Once Chris Brown finds out about Rihanna’s escapades, what will she look like?

A) Jonny from Cobra Kai after the Karate Kid crane-kicked him.
B) Frank Mir after losing to Brock Lesnar at UFC 100.
C) A Mexican pinata.
D) Basketball player Sam Cassell.