Archive for the ‘Celebrities’ Category

Tiger Woods Press Conference After thoughts

February 19, 2010


That had to be one of the most heartfelt, genuine, sincerely written PR statements I have ever heard.

DJ AM Found Dead in Apartment

August 29, 2009

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Yet another celebrity has passed. Musician DJ AM, whose real name is Adam Goldstein, was found dead in his New York apartment earlier today. Reports state that prescription pills were found next to him – eerily similar to Heath Ledger. You may remember that only one year ago, Adam Goldstein was one of two fortunate survivors on a private plane that crashed after takeoff and killed two pilots and two passengers. The other survivor was Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker. I guess when you escape Death once, he makes it a point to not repeat the same mistake. Which makes me believe that, after the terribly tragic year celebrities are having, I’d refrain from selling any of your autographed Travis Barker collectibles.

Rihanna Flirts with Doorman, and Doom

August 4, 2009

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It is reported that Rihanna, a singer whose sings stuff 14 year-olds love, was seen flirting with a doorman in the Hamptons. She even asked the bouncer and model for his number. Now here’s the good part… It is also reported that, while flirting with many men, she has rekindled her romance with ex Chris Brown. Did you guys just do the same math I did?? I think you did! Which is the perfect time to introduce my poll: Once Chris Brown finds out about Rihanna’s escapades, what will she look like?

A) Jonny from Cobra Kai after the Karate Kid crane-kicked him.
B) Frank Mir after losing to Brock Lesnar at UFC 100.
C) A Mexican pinata.
D) Basketball player Sam Cassell.

How Big is Shaq?

July 26, 2009

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I found this picture of Shaquille O’Neal online and it made me realize that he is indeed a very large man. How big exactly? To put it in perspective, the panda bear he is cuddling is the size of a military submarine. And if you look really really really carefully, you can see Lebron James underneath his fingernail.

I Understand You, Tony Romo

July 15, 2009

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You may have heard that Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, broke up with popstar girlfriend Jessica Simpson a few days ago. You may have also heard that he did so on the night before her birthday. Jerk? Asshole? No no no. Just a guy who came to his wit’s end. Good on him, even if the timing wasn’t perfcet. It’s exactly the same situation I was in a few years back so I can relate. I was dating this blonde inflatable doll (Lydia) and life was perfect. She was everything I ever wanted. Slutty, ragdoll, full of plastic, you name it. But after the honeymoon stage, I needed something more. I needed someone to stimulate my mind. Someone who can answer 2+2 or a doorbell without confused silence, someone who can get her ass off the couch from time to time without looking like a deflated gangbang leftover. But unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be and I too dumped Lydia on the night before her birthday. So don’t feel bad about poor timing, Tony Romo. Jessica will probably end up dating another athlete to get back at you, just like Lydia dated Roberto Alomar. And boy did that ever backfire.

Michael Jackson’s Death

July 11, 2009

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It’s been a while, Smackamaniacs. My apologies. Now, let’s get onto what’s been happening of late.┬áSo, Michael Jackson is dead. Wow. I first heard the news a few weeks back while at the local pub. I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly or if the mixture of Caesars and Coronas and vodka sodas were lying to me. But when the internet told me the truth, I was truly saddened. It felt like a piece of my 80’s childhood was lost. Like when Megatron finally defeated and killed Optimus Prime and inevitably led the way to the second generation of cartoon Transformers – which sucked the balls.

Another Celebrity Divorce Shocks My World

October 20, 2008


Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing and no one is more stunned than me! I really thought this union was going to last forever like all the other celebrity marriages. Such a shame. Madonna looked so happy in those photos taken with Yankees shortstop Alex Rodriguez that it never crossed my mind she wanted to break out of wedlock. Such a travesty. I was really positive that with Guy Ritchie, Madonna had zero interest in adding another notch on her 17,886 belt.

David Blaine Makes Career Disappear

September 22, 2008


David Blaine is up to his old tricks again and I’m not talking about the cool ones. This time, he’s dangling upside down over New York’s Central Park for 60 hours. That’s quite an amazing feat if you’re someone who gives a shit about stupid feats. I don’t care to watch this for half a minute unless people were allowed to catapult semi-conscious pigeons at his face. STUNTS. ARE. FUCKING. BORING! I don’t understand why he can’t go back to his roots and do something like swallow a nickel then pull an Xbox from his ass. Where’s the cool shit?!? If hanging upside down is anything like his old stunts, where he stood on a pole for days or encased himself in ice, he’ll predictably come down in 60 hours and be weak and frail and an ambulance will whisk him away and wah wah wah until he shows up for his next death-defying stunt a year or two down the road. But who knows, maybe the next one will be awesome and he’ll blow our minds by eating 50,000 mangos in 4 days straight while standing on a pregnant woman without blinking. Coooool. On an unrelated note, does anyone have wire clippers I can borrow?

Shia Labeouf is the new Ben Affleck

September 21, 2008


Judging by the recent string of blockbuster movies; Transformers, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of it’s too long to remember, Eagle Eye, the upcoming Transformers 2, the possibility of continuing the Indiana Jones saga, and blah blah blah, it looks like Shia Lebeouf is the only twenty-something actor left auditioning for roles in America and it’s getting to be overkill (Ben Affleck, anyone?). Please, whoever handles casting, find a fucking giraffe if you have to!! At this rate, if you told me he’s the back-up quarterback for the New England Patriots or that he’s at my parents house now playing the role of my Dad, I really wouldn’t be that surprised.

Britney Spears Names Upcoming Album

September 18, 2008


And it’s not called ‘Hit Me With Some of that Crack One More Time’ like I originally anticipated. After a tumultuous ride to the murky bottoms of earth (insert Paris Hilton’s address here), Britney’s hoping to get her career back on track with her brand new album called Circus. I thought this was an interesting choice for a name, this Circus. At first I thought it was referencing the media frenzy that followed her every mis-step but I quickly realized it’s based on the clowns in her head that spend their days juggling orphans and getting high on cotton candy.