Archive for the ‘Pop Culture’ Category

And the Winner of the Bachelorette is…

July 28, 2009

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…Kiptyn. Yep, Kiptyn. Now I know what you’re thinking, ladies, “Jillian picked Ed, not Kiptyn, Ed is the winner!!” and you couldn’t be more wrong. Every man on this planet will tell you, Ed Swiderski LOST the Bachelorette. Do you know why he lost? Because he’s getting married!! And no guy in a healthy state of mind wants to win a chance to walk down the aisle!!!! If guys were so desperate, we’d have Scratch & Win-a-Wife lottery cards. But we don’t. So with that I say, congratulations Kiptyn, you’re the big winner of the Bachelorette.

p.s. Anyone know where I can buy Wes’ CD?

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Jill and Kevin’s Wedding

July 25, 2009


Once in a while, I too will post something I like. I know… crazy. And it so happens to be, of all things, a wedding video. It came across my inbox and it kicks ass. It’s not a fake. It doesn’t have a commercial tie-in or any bullshit like that. It’s 100% awesome. I’m sure the Pope took a shit when he saw this but hey, that’s why he wears diapers. Enjoy.

I Understand You, Tony Romo

July 15, 2009

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You may have heard that Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, broke up with popstar girlfriend Jessica Simpson a few days ago. You may have also heard that he did so on the night before her birthday. Jerk? Asshole? No no no. Just a guy who came to his wit’s end. Good on him, even if the timing wasn’t perfcet. It’s exactly the same situation I was in a few years back so I can relate. I was dating this blonde inflatable doll (Lydia) and life was perfect. She was everything I ever wanted. Slutty, ragdoll, full of plastic, you name it. But after the honeymoon stage, I needed something more. I needed someone to stimulate my mind. Someone who can answer 2+2 or a doorbell without confused silence, someone who can get her ass off the couch from time to time without looking like a deflated gangbang leftover. But unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be and I too dumped Lydia on the night before her birthday. So don’t feel bad about poor timing, Tony Romo. Jessica will probably end up dating another athlete to get back at you, just like Lydia dated Roberto Alomar. And boy did that ever backfire.

Michael Jackson’s Death

July 11, 2009

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It’s been a while, Smackamaniacs. My apologies. Now, let’s get onto what’s been happening of late.┬áSo, Michael Jackson is dead. Wow. I first heard the news a few weeks back while at the local pub. I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly or if the mixture of Caesars and Coronas and vodka sodas were lying to me. But when the internet told me the truth, I was truly saddened. It felt like a piece of my 80’s childhood was lost. Like when Megatron finally defeated and killed Optimus Prime and inevitably led the way to the second generation of cartoon Transformers – which sucked the balls.

Britney Spears Names Upcoming Album

September 18, 2008


And it’s not called ‘Hit Me With Some of that Crack One More Time’ like I originally anticipated. After a tumultuous ride to the murky bottoms of earth (insert Paris Hilton’s address here), Britney’s hoping to get her career back on track with her brand new album called Circus. I thought this was an interesting choice for a name, this Circus. At first I thought it was referencing the media frenzy that followed her every mis-step but I quickly realized it’s based on the clowns in her head that spend their days juggling orphans and getting high on cotton candy.

Victoria Beckham Gets New Hair Cut

September 10, 2008


This made it in my morning news and the ladies on television were raving about it. The wife David Beckham sleeps around on, Victoria, a.ka. Posh, has gotten herself a new do and judging by her previous trend-setting bob, women around the world should soon resemble Russell Crowe.

Jessica Simpson Leaves Acting, I Shed Tear

September 4, 2008


This is a real shame. Jessica Simpson has decided to focus on her music career rather than continue to bust out gems on the big screen. “It’s got to just be a really incredible director and production with an awesome studio and great cast. But for me right now Jessica Simpson is music,” said the air head. So basically, the only way Jessica comes back is if we land Martin Scorsese, cast Johnny Depp and have Paramount back this up. Hurry someone please make this happen or we’ll never see her reprise the role of Daisy Duke as a whore in the Dukes of Hazzard sequel. Please someone do something, the movie industry can’t afford to lose another Heath Ledger. Please!

The Beverly Hills 90210 Hangover

September 3, 2008


The cooler talk has already begun around yesterday’s Beverly Hills 90210 debut and I already want to punch someone for breakfast. 90210 was lame. I can’t believe I watched that. It’s so stupid. No, YOU are so stupid. What exactly did you expect a teen high-school drama to be?? Did you think it would be as great (and I use this term loosely) as it was when you were a naive twelve-year-old?? Back then you were a moron without a clue and apparently nothing’s changed. Or I could be completely wrong and you’re probably cool like Andrea Zuckerman.

Got a Business Problem? Look to the Dark Side

September 2, 2008


If you’re an owner of a Major League Baseball team and wondering how to put fans in your empty seats, you don’t lower ticket or concession prices. No sir, you do what the desperate Toronto Blue Jays are doing and you bring in Darth Vader!! This is by far one of the greatest marketing strategies to hit baseball, or businesses for that matter, in a long time. I expect to see every company start using this tactic very soon. How do we raise mortgage rates without upsetting the customers? Darth Vader. How do I bring in more patrons to my strip joint? Darth Vader. I need a second opinion on my cancer diagnosis? Darth Vader. It’s fool-proof. Hurry and get your tickets before they’re gone like Obi-Wan.