Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

This is all I’m saying…

June 3, 2010

Tiger Woods Press Conference After thoughts

February 19, 2010


That had to be one of the most heartfelt, genuine, sincerely written PR statements I have ever heard.

Mmmm, Women’s Tennis

September 2, 2009

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With all the coverage of women’s tennis on television, I can’t help but watch it from time to time. Minus the tennis part, of course. To be honest, I watch it more for the ‘sights and sounds’ of the game. Yeah, you know what i’m talking about. And sometimes, I tune in just to hear the sounds. Yep, women’s tennis is awesome like that. Except when Venus Williams is playing.

Ovechkin is my Hockey Idol

August 5, 2009

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Sidney Crosby may have won the Stanley Cup, but Alexander Ovechkin has won the Coolest Guy in Hockey Cup. Why? Because the photo above came from a strip joint he attended with Markov, and the receipt below was the result. Look at Ovechkin (left) in the photo, he looks like a guy who’s living life to the fullest! Bless him.

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By the way, an Irish Coffee for $20.oo?? Are you f—ing kidding me?? For that price, those strippers better have three pairs of titties each, and stroke magical handjobs that can make me orgasm rainbows!

How Big is Shaq?

July 26, 2009

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I found this picture of Shaquille O’Neal online and it made me realize that he is indeed a very large man. How big exactly? To put it in perspective, the panda bear he is cuddling is the size of a military submarine. And if you look really really really carefully, you can see Lebron James underneath his fingernail.

LeBron James Tape Leaked

July 23, 2009

A few weeks ago, LeBron James was dunked on by nobody Jordan Crawford. No big deal, right? Wrong. Nike representatives, who were present in the gym, decided it was in their best interest to confiscate the tapes so that nobody would ‘witness’ the King getting crowned. It turned into a fiasco until sure enough, the footage has surfaced on the webs. I think that everyone should know that Nike and their representatives are ruthless scumbags. A few months ago they confiscated a tape of me ruthlessly dunking a Nerf basketball over my neighbor’s six-year-old because he was wearing a LeBron James Cavaliers jersey. Those tapes are probably long gone by now, unfortunately, like that poor little boy’s dignity.

I Understand You, Tony Romo

July 15, 2009

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You may have heard that Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, broke up with popstar girlfriend Jessica Simpson a few days ago. You may have also heard that he did so on the night before her birthday. Jerk? Asshole? No no no. Just a guy who came to his wit’s end. Good on him, even if the timing wasn’t perfcet. It’s exactly the same situation I was in a few years back so I can relate. I was dating this blonde inflatable doll (Lydia) and life was perfect. She was everything I ever wanted. Slutty, ragdoll, full of plastic, you name it. But after the honeymoon stage, I needed something more. I needed someone to stimulate my mind. Someone who can answer 2+2 or a doorbell without confused silence, someone who can get her ass off the couch from time to time without looking like a deflated gangbang leftover. But unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be and I too dumped Lydia on the night before her birthday. So don’t feel bad about poor timing, Tony Romo. Jessica will probably end up dating another athlete to get back at you, just like Lydia dated Roberto Alomar. And boy did that ever backfire.

The Brock Lesnar Aftermath

July 12, 2009

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Last night’s UFC heavyweight championship fight between Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar was an entertaining, albeit a predictable one. As expected the beast Lesnar didn’t take long to pummel his pinata, pardon, opponent. Mir’s face looked like a Nicholas Cage movie. Terrible. But it was after the match that Lesnar truly went off. He trash-talked Mir to no end. He flipped the finger to the ensuing boos of the crowd. And he ridiculed the major sponsor.  But the best part was when Lesnar was asked how he was planning to celebrate. He said in the end, “… I may get on top of my wife.” Judging by the steroid rage he was on, I think what he meant  is he ‘may’ get on top of his wife (former WWE diva Sable) and unload a few hundred fist-fucks on her head. Or a choke hold. Or a plasma television. Ah, I’m just kidding. I’m sure Brock’s a gentle soul and that any injury  his wife obtains in the future is a result of her accidentally falling down the stairs.

10 Things the NHL Should Do to Suck Less

September 23, 2008


The 2008-2009 National Hockey League season is about to begin and let’s face it, hockey is boooooring. Maybe it’s because Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the league, has butchered it completely. But, even though it sucks ass now, the sport is worth saving. Here are 10 things that will help it…

10. Presentation is everything.
So lose the fucking ads on the ice! Do you want me to watch the game or the fucking corporate logos? I already have a hard time following the puck. Please remove, unless you appreciate the comparisons to arena football.

9. Cut loose the boring franchises.
I’m talking about Nashville, Atlanta, Columbus, Anaheim, Tampa Bay (there’s more I just can’t remember them, go figure). This will also help rid the league of about 125 shitty players that should be working at the grocery store instead of raking in seven figures.

8. Bring back the rats in Florida.
The one thing that made fans love hockey in Florida was throwing rats on the ice. It also made other fans want to watch their games. Smart move on taking this away.

7. Re-kindle the rivalries.
Why be like every other league and have Eastern and Western Conferences and blah blah. Bring back the divisions of old (Norris, Smythe, etc) and have each division duke it out in the playoffs. It’ll make for more heated games during the regular season.

6. Lose the goons.
In the good ol’ days, if someone hit your best player, your best player would kick his ass because your best player was also a goon. Now, when your best player gets hit, the two goons who had nothing to do with anything all of a sudden get ice-time and fight. This is gay.

5. Make goalie equipment smaller.
An orangutang can be a goalie these days. There’s no amazing saves anymore. It’s either the puck hits the goalie, or it doesn’t. This too, is gay.

4. Four on Four?
I’m a traditionalist, but 5-on-5 hockey is the equivalent of watching golf on the radio. Let’s consider the switch.

3. Stop re-designing the fucking uniforms every year!
I can’t even tell if I’m watching the Buffalo Sabres or Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoats. Put a fucking stop to this and stick with tradition. I don’t mind slight alterations, but the uniforms should not remind me of old acid trips. And for the love of Jesus, get rid of the god damn bear-head on the Bruins uniforms. Whoever designed it should be shot. By a bear.

2. Sushi?
Inside the arenas, you serve beer and hot dogs and pizza and burgers. When you serve sushi, you no longer cater to fans but instead cater to clients. And your ‘clients’ are big pussy-douches who should be eating at a Japanese restaurant instead of watching live hockey. Maybe put undercover goon-fans in the stands and every time someone wears a suit to a game, these fans kick the piss out of them.

1. Bench-clearing brawls, bring them back.
Every team should get one ‘by’ for a bench-clearing brawl. You don’t get fined unless you have two in the same season. I would watch every game.

Serena Williams to Serve Up Awesome Book

September 16, 2008


A memoir by one of tennis’ better players Serena Williams will be hitting bookstands in 2009. And judging by the way every celebrity athlete’s, musician’s and actor’s success story goes (or at least the ones interesting enough to get published), the premise of the Serena bio will sound a lot like the following… Serena Williams grew up in a large family in the ghettos of some ghetto city in America. While all the other school kids were doing drugs and making babies and listening to 2 Live Crew, Serena found solace in the game of tennis. But a black girl playing a white girl’s game didn’t come without its share of adversity. Serena battled through the mean inner-city streets and overcame some form of racism at the tennis club to become what she is today… Ten billion times more attractive than her sister Venus… If I’m way off, I will buy a copy and pretend to read it.