Posts Tagged ‘Toronto’

This is all I’m saying…

June 3, 2010

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10 Things the NHL Should Do to Suck Less

September 23, 2008


The 2008-2009 National Hockey League season is about to begin and let’s face it, hockey is boooooring. Maybe it’s because Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the league, has butchered it completely. But, even though it sucks ass now, the sport is worth saving. Here are 10 things that will help it…

10. Presentation is everything.
So lose the fucking ads on the ice! Do you want me to watch the game or the fucking corporate logos? I already have a hard time following the puck. Please remove, unless you appreciate the comparisons to arena football.

9. Cut loose the boring franchises.
I’m talking about Nashville, Atlanta, Columbus, Anaheim, Tampa Bay (there’s more I just can’t remember them, go figure). This will also help rid the league of about 125 shitty players that should be working at the grocery store instead of raking in seven figures.

8. Bring back the rats in Florida.
The one thing that made fans love hockey in Florida was throwing rats on the ice. It also made other fans want to watch their games. Smart move on taking this away.

7. Re-kindle the rivalries.
Why be like every other league and have Eastern and Western Conferences and blah blah. Bring back the divisions of old (Norris, Smythe, etc) and have each division duke it out in the playoffs. It’ll make for more heated games during the regular season.

6. Lose the goons.
In the good ol’ days, if someone hit your best player, your best player would kick his ass because your best player was also a goon. Now, when your best player gets hit, the two goons who had nothing to do with anything all of a sudden get ice-time and fight. This is gay.

5. Make goalie equipment smaller.
An orangutang can be a goalie these days. There’s no amazing saves anymore. It’s either the puck hits the goalie, or it doesn’t. This too, is gay.

4. Four on Four?
I’m a traditionalist, but 5-on-5 hockey is the equivalent of watching golf on the radio. Let’s consider the switch.

3. Stop re-designing the fucking uniforms every year!
I can’t even tell if I’m watching the Buffalo Sabres or Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoats. Put a fucking stop to this and stick with tradition. I don’t mind slight alterations, but the uniforms should not remind me of old acid trips. And for the love of Jesus, get rid of the god damn bear-head on the Bruins uniforms. Whoever designed it should be shot. By a bear.

2. Sushi?
Inside the arenas, you serve beer and hot dogs and pizza and burgers. When you serve sushi, you no longer cater to fans but instead cater to clients. And your ‘clients’ are big pussy-douches who should be eating at a Japanese restaurant instead of watching live hockey. Maybe put undercover goon-fans in the stands and every time someone wears a suit to a game, these fans kick the piss out of them.

1. Bench-clearing brawls, bring them back.
Every team should get one ‘by’ for a bench-clearing brawl. You don’t get fined unless you have two in the same season. I would watch every game.

Noel Gallagher Impersonates Bowling Pin

September 14, 2008


I’m still dying of laughter from this clip. Oasis was headlining a Toronto concert and during their performance some guy rushed the stage and bowled Noel Gallagher over. But kids, even though I’m laughing at someone else’s misfortune, what happened here was very disgraceful. If you’re going to attack the most arrogant band on the planet for releasing shitty albums, you should at least have an escape plan. Like the one Batman had when he abducted Lau from Hong Kong.